Getting it together

Worry and fear are killers, thus the best thing is to pray and give them to God.

I think the words that christianity (or any religion for that matter) is a great way to live, if you don't think about it too much.

Where worry ends and faith begins. I need to be able to have faith that God exists and leave it at that.

I also need to accept that while I am not an academic machine I thirst for knowledge and that has left me in an area where I am easily frustrated by my peers. I think I need to find academics who share my thirst for knowledge, particularly my left winged attitude. I also need to spend less time judging the quality of people.

Life is a painful road

You do good things you do not receive reciprocal. Why? Because you are a private man who has sufferred many years. You dislike people and only help those who you feel you can help. Is that wrong? No. Will it work? No.

You considered a military life, but yet again it is doomed to fail, because you do not want to fight for someone or something you do not have complete knowledge about.

Now you consider government. Can you hope to achieve something great? Is there a way to make people happy?

You really don't know.

One thing is for certain. You need to study now. Another thing is for certain, there are things about yourself you must control.

Control is key, knowledge is key, ability is key.

You are 21 years, if you are lucky you will receive another 50.

You are 21 years. God help me.

Put your past behind you

Take the time to do it.

Destiny

One thing you can be certain about life. Is you will die.

You have to do the best with what God gave you.

You never know what you're gonna get.

So find your purpose, find your peace, and live your life with no regrets.

Dating

So fitness, fashion and looks. The basics

Then confidence, a lack of desperation, politeness, friendliness, smiling,

- The Approach

- GM style

- Negging

- Group situations

- Dancing

- Speed seduction

- Eliciting values

- The Close

- The Date

- The relationship

----------------------------One side

Another book, another website.

Question: Are there any decent looking girls who arn't idiots in here? Off the top of my head, No.

In my econs class. No.

In my mktg class. Maybe?

In my work class. Not really.

In my govt class. Yes.

First impressions seem to be rather important. Need to learn how to be more friendly and confident. How to do that? Building confidence starts with having a great body, great clothes, hair and face. I'll have to settle all those things before I do anything else. Meaning I should head back to Singapore ASAP and find a gym, money I earn/get should be put into finding new clothes. Meaning get rid of all the crappy clothes I have in sydney.

I also want to get my scuba diving license. Take lots of pictures. Get my cocktail and mixing training.

Meaning things to buy: Cocktail kit. Alcohol.

Meaning things to do: Go for cocktail and flair class, go for scuba diving class. Find RSA license (where the heck did it go?)

Next year main plan, call Shaun about whatever comsoc events. Go for first year camp. Join a few volunteer organisations. Go to church. Join in some activities.

And still do well in school.


I still have to live in lame old *, meaning I have to learn how to become larger than life and not just one of these duds. I come in I sit down I make everyone around me better. That should be me.

Ben's SUN day

Woke up at lunch time then went to the gym, completed my econs presentation and my mktg project. Tomorrow, today... print out econs script and project, govt lecture notes. Start preparing for the exams ya. Splinter cell's coming out on thursday which is 3 days away.

Lose weight lose weight lose weight lose weight lose weight

The story of my life

I can't sleep, it's 4:31, the 22nd of October 2006. I have been alive for 21 years. Assuming I live till 80 (80-21 = 59), I have 59 years more to go.

I know for a fact that I have more or less messed up a lot of these 21 years and I plan to make amends for it.

What have I done with my 21 years? I spent a good part of my youth getting good at things like video games and sports. I was not interested in my studies, I spent a lot of time reading self-improvement books about personality, psychology and the basic rules of life. I helped out in church, and near the end of it I found peace.

Then I had the army, where I messed up both my legs and spent most of the army in solitude. Which probably put the icing on the cake for my emotional disorders.

I think the main issue is I need to get back closer with God, instead of worrying so much about how what I do now affects my plan of the future, I think I need to ask him to direct me towards the goals he has set out. It would definitely make things a lot simpler for me. Which might be why he wants us to do it in the first place.

The pains are a big problem to me, I need to learn how to distract myself from the disability. It also affects my ability to emphatise with people because I keep thinking I have gone through a lot worse.

One thing that a friend advised me, I generally am selective of friends and I put a really dirty look on my face around people I don't like. I think the issue is not so much of putting on an act when around people I don't like, rather it is more how can I learn to like people more.

Another one was how I always feel I need to go out of my way to help people, and sometimes I don't do it wholeheartedly. Then that face comes out and it really just makes life worse.

I think what kills me is that I have no motivation to live this card I've been dealt. I've surrounded myself with worldly entertainment to help time move faster while I'm here in Sydney rather than going out to live it.

I'm also extremely idealistic, and I forget how hard it is to communicate to people as well as forgetting how self involved humans are in general.

Strangely enough I think my social skills are quite adequate, I know how to make a person happy if I really wanted to. I think my weakness lies in my inability to tolerate whining, complaining. rudeness and boring conversations. Maybe because I think the art of conversation lies in being able to be interested and just keep quiet and listen, results in me hardly meeting people who have nothing new to say. Stagnant lifestyles = Boring people.

Thus maybe its not so much of not being able to meet interesting people but the fact I have led a pretty cooped up life in Sydney leading to the fact that I have only met dull people. Going for extra curricular stuff and making up activities for friends to join in might help this problem.

At the end of it all

Tell me I've led a good life, tell me I'm a good man.

Impt note to self

Computer just crashed, fortunately did not lose any important data that I didn't already have on the macintosh except for my MKTG essay which is pretty easy to replace. From now on back up all important documents in the thumb drive.

Another area for improvement

I also need to become able to be proud to walk out everyday without feeling uncomfortable about weight, pain and contact lenses. So while I think I can't really stop the dull pains in my legs I can definitely decrease them.

First off, I should focus completely on my workout plan until I'm thin and well, everytime I play a sport I end up unable to walk properly for days. I also should wear those leg braces all the time. I should also not wear tank tops too often as that scar is quite scary. I should also get that lasik surgery so I can stop wearing contacts all together. If not I should find a pair of glasses that make me look good because I have way too many problems with wearing contacts.

I also need a completely new wardrobe and ensure I look good all the time to keep my self-esteem up.

Exams are coming!

But I still find time to think about stuff off topic, I figure I have an estimate of 1 and a half years left of uni to go. I completely dislike this lifestyle and I need to find more fun stuff to do.

So how should I do it?

- Well obviously I need to keep all my solution solving ideas to myself. Perhaps they'll be useful in professional development clubs, I should look into those.

- Also would like to do some volunteer work. Amnesty and Red Cross would do fine.

- Then I need to find ways of having fun without falling back into my comfort zones. Meaning no singapore club and no malaysia club. I figure I'll join comsoc and that's it.

- I guess I should really try going back to church. The question is really Hillsong?... or Wesley?...
on the hillsong side there's a really much larger diversity of people, maybe a lack of content, great music and wayyyy too much going on. Wesley is quieter, but a lot of kids and singaporeans, maybe their club O group is good, and I can participate in music ministry there.

- Lastly I should start being the person who organises things to do rather than waiting for them to happen, and maybe start going for more IH events.

Project work

This semester I have been fortunate enough to have a good group for marketing, a pretty crap group who did their work for that work unit and a no speaking english group for economics, currently having to edit and make sure everyone has done their work properly for economics.

Some times I wish I didn't come to Australia, the students here can be pretty bad.

Think less

Less time thinking about every consequence of every action.

Have to stop trying to do everything, when tired just do less.

Only throw advice when people actually state that they're looking for solutions.

Time to justify why I am

So I'm in Sydney, came here alone, moved to a dorm, made some friends in the dorm, stayed away from the other people, started a society, got it taken away from me, got damn pissed off, went thru depression, now clawing my way out of the rut again. Hardly any friends, and nothing much going on.

Biggest people issues now,

1. Jon, who has lost his mind and hates the world. Figure I should just give up on his stupid ass because he's so full of himself that he can't see straight. Gave him enough of my time and let him whine his balls to the moon. Let him learn from his miserable existence.
- Git & Yao, these guys are practically the same people, they're full of shit.

2. Carrie, who I've tried to help, but simply have too much conflicting personality issues

3. Lesley, who I've helped before but frankly I think she just talks to me when she wants help.

4. Irene, who I've tried to be a friend to, but seriously I just can't be bothered to anymore.

I think the fact of the matter is most people just want to live whatever they're living, so I should just live and not give a too much of a damn about other people and solving their problems. Spend less time in their shoes. But how the hell can I do that, I've spent my whole life learning and studying how to see things from other people's perspectives.

So basically I think I've got to learn to have a lot less depth with people. Laugh at their jokes, smile more, and generally just be more fake. I think the first step is to do this in calculated steps regarding uni work. Especially future group work, I think i'm rather good with tutors and lecturers now. So next is to be able to be likeable to class people so as to be able to assess who would be the best team mates for group work in the future.


I'd like to spend more time reading up on new things and of course making sure I'm studying enough.

I also have learnt that wei yan thinks of me as some kind of smaller kid and I really dislike that, she makes me feel stupid.

I think my biggest problem is I go out trying to help people make their lives better via the methods I'm using that have made my life better, so the first thing I spot are people's flaws and how they can solve them.

So it would be best to just learn how to be sociable and world like. Just a person that the world likes on the outside so I can do what I want on the inside.

I'll try doing that more in Singapore and when I come back here next year.

First off I need to kill off the friends in singapore who are negative, elitist, and judgmental. I rather be alone then mix with more of this sort of people.

I need to become a social genius and to do that I have to learn how to be able to not be affected by stepping into people's shoes. I need to become an actor in this sick play if I hope to survive this stupid world of now.

So day 1 stepping away from hell.

Hi my name is Ben and I'm living in my own personal hell right now and I'm trying to get myself out of it.

This is the story of how I get out of it.