The story of my life

I can't sleep, it's 4:31, the 22nd of October 2006. I have been alive for 21 years. Assuming I live till 80 (80-21 = 59), I have 59 years more to go.

I know for a fact that I have more or less messed up a lot of these 21 years and I plan to make amends for it.

What have I done with my 21 years? I spent a good part of my youth getting good at things like video games and sports. I was not interested in my studies, I spent a lot of time reading self-improvement books about personality, psychology and the basic rules of life. I helped out in church, and near the end of it I found peace.

Then I had the army, where I messed up both my legs and spent most of the army in solitude. Which probably put the icing on the cake for my emotional disorders.

I think the main issue is I need to get back closer with God, instead of worrying so much about how what I do now affects my plan of the future, I think I need to ask him to direct me towards the goals he has set out. It would definitely make things a lot simpler for me. Which might be why he wants us to do it in the first place.

The pains are a big problem to me, I need to learn how to distract myself from the disability. It also affects my ability to emphatise with people because I keep thinking I have gone through a lot worse.

One thing that a friend advised me, I generally am selective of friends and I put a really dirty look on my face around people I don't like. I think the issue is not so much of putting on an act when around people I don't like, rather it is more how can I learn to like people more.

Another one was how I always feel I need to go out of my way to help people, and sometimes I don't do it wholeheartedly. Then that face comes out and it really just makes life worse.

I think what kills me is that I have no motivation to live this card I've been dealt. I've surrounded myself with worldly entertainment to help time move faster while I'm here in Sydney rather than going out to live it.

I'm also extremely idealistic, and I forget how hard it is to communicate to people as well as forgetting how self involved humans are in general.

Strangely enough I think my social skills are quite adequate, I know how to make a person happy if I really wanted to. I think my weakness lies in my inability to tolerate whining, complaining. rudeness and boring conversations. Maybe because I think the art of conversation lies in being able to be interested and just keep quiet and listen, results in me hardly meeting people who have nothing new to say. Stagnant lifestyles = Boring people.

Thus maybe its not so much of not being able to meet interesting people but the fact I have led a pretty cooped up life in Sydney leading to the fact that I have only met dull people. Going for extra curricular stuff and making up activities for friends to join in might help this problem.